Saying Goodbye
by Lara1221
Summary: Sirius and Regulus and a point in their relationship where neither knows where to go. For Karyn. Winner of Round 2 Little League Judges Pick!


**Disclaimer:** JK Rowling owns all the characters you are about to read about as well as their world and frankly their lives so yeah not trying to make money here.

 **For Karyn** (Kailey Hamilton) for GGE2015. I hope you like it, I had a ton of fun writing it!

 **A/N:** So disregarding the fact that I still have not finished Emily's April story (I'm almost there I promise!) I needed inspiration for this next round of Little League and Karyn's requests were to die for :) She gave me the opportunity to write a character that I _need_ to write about ASAP because I love him more than life and can't believe he hasn't been a center of one of my stories yet. Please drop a review if you like it! (You can skip to the story now) **Written for:**

 **gge 2015: karyn:** sirius and regulus **; LLFC ravenclaw captain:** portray the emotion scared without using that word **; hp day comp:** marauders era **;**

* * *

Saying Goodbye

When Sirius Black awoke, he didn't remember anything besides the pain. It was gone, though. Madam Pomfrey had worked her usual magic. He remembered her knocking him out with a potion, most likely to keep him quiet and send his teammates away.

Rubbing his side as the memory of an extremely painful bludger to the gut came back, he blinked open his eyes unsteadily. Darkness filled his vision, and ignoring the disbelief that he had slept practically through the night, the most surprising thing he encountered was a small noise: a catch of breath. A slimmer of light had been appearing in the doorway, but the person who was there turned around to face him.

As Regulus turned to face him full on, Sirius was struck with a sort of panic that he had never encountered coming face to face with a bludger.

Regulus made a point to ignore Sirius nowadays, which made it all the more surprising that he was here. After Sirius had made it clear how much he couldn't stand their family, Regulus had chosen them over Sirius. As the years went on, the gap between them only grew larger, so much so that the brothers had become experts on avoiding each other, not that it was all that hard. Sirius preferred to spend holidays with his friends and school days with the Gryffindors, and Regulus returned home each holiday and was barred from Gryffindor territory due to his Slytherin status.

But Sirius didn't think much of it; siblings grew apart, especially when parents happened to love one and hate the other.

What Sirius really feared, as the panic rushed to his throat, was that he didn't have anything to say to Regulus and no idea how to act around Regulus, and he didn't think he ever would. It was obvious that his brother had chosen his path. Sirius had rarely seen him without the company of the younger Rosier and MacNair, both of whom enjoyed a different brand of Dark Magic than their own parents.

There were some regrets, but he was too afraid to think of them. Once he did, it meant an attachment to the life of his parents, to something he no longer wanted to be a part of. And Sirius owed it to himself to finally be free. He's already made plans: this summer, he's packing his things and heading to the Potters.

He was planning on saying goodbye to Reg when he figured out how.

So when Regulus said "Sirius" in a voice he couldn't describe, he simply stared, silent.

But then Regulus started towards the bed, and before Sirius knew it he was sitting in the stool beside his. "I came to see if you were okay," he said in a voice that was clearly anxious and Sirius couldn't understand _why_ because he'd had enough confidence to get that out, didn't he? Sirius couldn't even manage words.

But did he want to? Sirius didn't know. He didn't begin to resent Regulus when he chose their parents, but when he began to resent Sirius. What did he have to say to this boy who he used to care about and np longer wants his care?

Then, after a pause, he gave all he could manage. "Why?"

"Because you hit the ground really hard and you could have been dead."

Sirius couldn't help himself. "Why would you care?"

And in that moment, Sirius met Regulus' eyes as he brought them up. Regulus had eyes a darker shade of Sirius' own, and the incredible thing about them was that they could always hide whatever he was thinking. Sirius could fool a crowd, but when there were real emotions, he wore them on his sleeve. But for the first time since they were kids, Sirius was able to read his brother's emotions as if he was looking into him, and in him he saw fear. It was raw and fresh and warranted, and Sirius immediately needed to hear what he was going to say.

"Reg, go ahead, I didn't mean it."

His brother took a deep breath at the childhood nickname (so did Sirius), and then as he spoke, Sirius felt a weight pushing down on them: anxiety, nervousness, panic, fear, something strange between them that could be felt but not recognized. "I can't say I'm not going anywhere and that's why I'm worried. I am going somewhere and you are going somewhere and we don't care about each other anymore and one day I might not be able to know if you're alive or dead and it terrifies me. We used to be close and then _you ruined it_. But I care about you and I shouldn't so here I am. Tell me we can be close again."

Sirius didn't have to think twice. "I can't tell you that, but I want you to be safe, too."

Regulus shook his head. "I knew it was a mistake."

And then he was gone.

* * *

The man staring at Sirius Black in the mirror nearly gave him a heart attack. One of his hands was wrapped up in the soft, silky material of James' invisibility cloak and the other gripped the Map and his wand, but what startled him were his eyes.

There was fear there, a fear he hadn't experienced in a long time.

Sirius knew it was stupid; he was acting a whim, on an impulse that shouldn't be there.

He shouldn't care anymore, but that was terrifying in itself. Because why shouldn't he care? They were brothers, but the facts remained. They cared for years before the Sortings. He didn't know why he still did, Sirius knew he was dead to Regulus after he abandoned him in that house, and they would never see eye to eye. His brother might care, but he certainly didn't want to.

All he kept seeing, though, over and over, was Regulus. He was falling from the sky with his head cracked open, and Sirius was sitting in the stands, unable to do anything. His breathing is coming out quick, his eyes are unfocused, and the hammering of his heart is too loud to hear anything else.

And then it was over. Regulus was out of sight, and the image had replayed in Sirius' head today more times than he could count.

He needed to know that his brother was okay, and the feeling wasn't going to go away until he did.

Sirius made his way down to the Hospital Wing, careful to avoid Filch as he went. When he finally reached the doors, he cast _Alohomora_ and snuck in with a cushioning charm on his footsteps until he was at his brother's bedside.

Sitting there, staring at Regulus sleeping, Sirius had no more idea what to think than he did before, and his anxiety only grew. Anything that had to do with Regulus worried Sirius. He did not know how to react to a situation involving his brother because the future pushes down on him constantly, and he has no idea how he feels about Regulus now and how he will feel about Regulus after this.

He'd rather not to have to feel it at all.

The future — the impending war, never knowing what was going to happen between him and his brother, him and his parents, where he might be a year from now — was incredibly terrifying. Sirius had feared his parents, he had feared being placed in Slytherin, and he would be fooling himself if he said he didn't fear Voldemort. But losing this, what he had with Regulus, was greater than any fear he had ever had.

As Sirius put his face in his hands, Regulus rustled beside him, and Sirius did nothing but patiently wait for him to wake up, unable to move. Sirius could feel Reg's eyes on him.

There was silence for a long moment. When Regulus spoke, the words must have sounded strange to his own ears because he softened his voice until even he could barely hear it. "Why did you come?" Sirius froze.

"I owe you," Sirius said eventually, because the words _I want you to be safe_ and _I love you_ and even the great Gryffindor _I'm terrified_ all sounded wrong.

All Regulus could manage was "Okay."

And Sirius just wanted him to _understand_ because saying goodbye can be the most frightening thing of all.


End file.
